honestly im in the worst place to be writing this im drunk and i have an important appointment today. so forgive me if some of this is written wrong. if you have any questions you have my number.
this is where the "good stuff" starts. you know my situation, my delima, my internal conflict of Jekyll and Hyde. the begining you are familiar with and even the ending but lets be blunt and reiterate the obvious shall we. i'm truly in love with two women and both choices were as grim as ever two give up on something you spent so long building and break her heart; or to hurt someone youve become so attached to when a tear crosses her face you want nothing more then to hold and protect her..... my answer as always was DELAY. i made the mistake of assuming that logic would prevail in both mine and her minds. my choice after thinking was to give alicia a year and see if things changed. this made since souly on the ideal that i had no car and a long distance relationship i knew was doomed to fail with no way for me to get to her. not to mention i felt as though i shouldn't give up on alicia so easily. for a moment this idea was fine not that she was ecstatic but she understood. once again my mistake was LOGIC. and though in my opinion i had done nothing all that bad; guilt was crushing her and i was to blind with my self satisfying ideal to realize it.
heres where it all comes to a head. After a night of not talking to me the beautiful girl put all of this guilt into a note and gave it to me yesterday after noon just b4 she went to work; obviously this wasn't exactly the best letter and i took it badly guiltily for the most part i felt as though i was not only ruining my life but hers as well. as a result i went to her work and stayed for 30 min just talking to her; little did she know i was ripping my self apart inside; id come to the conclusion that ive become what i hate most, someone who hurts her. i prided my self on being there for her at least above all. one can but assume i made her feel a bit better i think but who knows i left with a smile and a heart heavier then lead. i was stricken with guilt ironically not for what id done but more so for the fact that im to blame for all of her pain.
FAST-FORWARD.... 11:03pm i get a call that she's going for a walk and wants to see me even if only for a short bit. i go and meet her and though our conversation covered a small array of topics the gist was "you need to make up your mind mike and if im a friend then im just that and only that a friend." apon returning home i threw my self into a self sustaining spiral. what to do?!?!?!?! with this in mind i began to ask my self questions to provoke a choice
"what do you want mike??" no good
"whats the logical choice??" once again no good
"which do you love more???" as you can guess this went on for a while that is untill i reached my last question; "how can you hurt her the least???" the problem in this is in order to hurt her the least i would have to give everything up; her trust, seeing her, talking to her every night, but most of all id have to give up being there for her because once i made this choice she would never let me be there the same way again. the fact is the easiest way not to hurt someone is to not be around them. so i made the hardest choice of my very short life and not only did i hurt her one last time ive destroyed who i was and most likely any chance of ever being with her at any time in the future. But worst of all this.....i've become that which i hated for so long; guys who hurt her.
its official im the lowest life form know to man and i feel it but worst of all so does she.
.......i would change my ways... no never mind. call me a sinner, call me a saint, tell me its over ill still love you the same. call me your favorite, call me the worst. tell me its over, i dont want you to hurt.
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