Hyde Time

one condoms

2009-11-06T18:47:00.000-08:00

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Hyde

2009-02-01T22:33:00.000-08:00

Tonight i've realized something simple and a little saddening. the reality is it's something that i've known for sometime yet i refused to see it. The fact is i love that, that does not truly love me back; but did she ever claim to??? No; at least not unless she was put under duress by me that is. I was just kidding myself because of the way i feel; more over i doubt i'll stop kidding myself atleast a little......i sort of wish she had never felt like she had to follow my lead for me to be here for her; i'm always here for her no matter what.

Lust and Love; the first i understand, can control, and enjoy to manipulate. Love on the other hand, is my bane, the pain to my existence; three uncontrollable times..... and two unrequited and one not requited in all the ways i want. Love sucks..... now don't get me wrong, this isn't a complaint about the realization that her care for me was almost totally platonic. it's just a way of letting out that not only does love suck but it never works the way you plan......for once i'm glad i didn't act b4 i thought, not to say she's not worth it; but i'm not worth a "omission"

but I've never felt more like......

.........~Mr.Hyde

Hot n' Cold

2008-11-14T20:32:00.000-08:00

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

Yeah, you always think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out

You're up and you're down, down, down, down..You're up and you're down

this song is the definition of me and i love it

~Mr.Hyde

Cute really?????

2008-10-26T07:02:00.000-07:00

i finally get it!! for so long i asked what was it that held me back from being "hot"??? and i now have my answer; im like a fucking puppy im "Cute." because i look so young i come off as cute and because of my "baby-fat" rick face not only makes me look young but more over makes me less appealing when it comes to the word "desire."

that said my friends ask me "why does it even matter??" to me it only matters because there is only two ways i can truly get what i want(to be physically passionate) 1) denial, i can just pretend i'm wanted not only for my charm but also for my physical passion 2) go rob a cradle so i look older to the high school student id be dating LOL.

or maybe i should just get over it and move on. i wish i could, and though i know i really cant when it comes to my internal dialog; i can put on a strong face and maybe if i do it long enuf i can convince myself that its true.

~Mr.Hyde

Adonis and the Roc

2008-10-21T19:00:00.000-07:00

"you may not be my Adonis but you're still my Roc" this phrase makes me laugh and i cant get it out of my head. yes, i know she meant "rock" but "Roc" just seems so much more appropriate. I dont mean to complain, don't get me wrong i understand it was meant in the nicest way possible and i really appreciate the attempt it was sweet. That said i really feel like the phrase applies a little deeper then it was intended. so in classic Hyde fashion lets over analyze shall we......

"Adonis"- though i could start spouting about the incestuous greek history of Adonis, but the important part his to know that he was the most "beautiful" man in the world so much the goddess of love and death fought over him based SOULY on his attractiveness.

"Roc" a giant mythical bird most often use to protect treasures or guard secrets

Most likely see no similarity but to me it is obvious. i could charm Aphrodite her self into my arms and yet she would never find me attractive. i can get girls but i will never be any girls Adonis. any girl i attract i do it by charm my looks will forever be "SO SO." Yet, i am and will forever be the Roc for anyone who needs me, protect there secrets and defend them at every turn.

~as always Mr.Hyde

to know ones self

2008-10-18T19:24:00.000-07:00

for the past few days ive been lost in what i can only describe as "ME." in this lost of sanity ive come to a few conclusions which i feel i need to write out just so i can look at it in a few months and laugh at my emo-ness. that said everything ive found will likely never come to play in my life because no matter how much i dont want to i cant help but care about others but im going to say it anyway.

1) Never risk your dignity even if you have none it hurts to loose it, to take a chance on something real is to take a risk on the unknown, just like roulette. no way in hell you're gonna win

2) Do the heartless thing because to have a heart is to have a target to aim for.

3) Be ready to disappoint even those you care about because if you are ready maybe you can hurt less

i say these things not for pitty in fact help and pitty is the last thing i need what i need is to start taking advantage of those around me and i fully intend to. is it wrong? YES do i care??? FUCK NO. All i have left is being truly bad and why not i just hurt people any way. and if my morals start to flair then atleast the pain of what i do will let me know im still alive.

~say hello to Mr.Hyde starting NOW.....;D

I'm a Fake

2008-10-15T21:28:00.000-07:00

Small, simple, safe price.
Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.
This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.
And I am not afraid to die;
I'm not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,
I want the pain of payment.
What's left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.
Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.
Would you be my little cut?
Would you be my thousand fucks?
And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.
To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.
My sad, sorry, selfish cry out to the cutter.
I'm cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.
Love is not like anything,
Especially a fucking knife!

this is truely a testament to who i am a question of what i am what the world gets and what it sees. All those things i wish to be and wish you all to see. most who know me really dont and those that dont either wish they didnt or really dont.

Look at me.
You can tell,
By the way I move and do my hair,
Do you think that it's me?
Or it's not me?
I don't even care.
I'm alive, i don't smell
I'm the cleanest I have ever been.

my defense is my confidence when in reality its just a shield and as i've learned the world does nothing but disappoint so then why try???? why fight for them???? why not be what they want??

I feel big, I feel tall, I feel dry.
Dry.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me, look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

sometimes the fake is all they deserve for if you give the real youll just be disappointed or bored in the end. so my final answer be their fake be what they want. its the only way youll get what you want open is weakness

Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.
Just look at me now.
I'm a fake, I'm a fake.

Fake!
Fake!
Fake!
Genuine fake!!!

~HYDE( for real hahahahahahahahahahahahaha)

call sinner

2008-08-11T03:41:00.000-07:00

ironically im sure the only person who will read this will be the only one intended to, comment; or don't comment i just hope you get this.

honestly im in the worst place to be writing this im drunk and i have an important appointment today. so forgive me if some of this is written wrong. if you have any questions you have my number.

this is where the "good stuff" starts. you know my situation, my delima, my internal conflict of Jekyll and Hyde. the begining you are familiar with and even the ending but lets be blunt and reiterate the obvious shall we. i'm truly in love with two women and both choices were as grim as ever two give up on something you spent so long building and break her heart; or to hurt someone youve become so attached to when a tear crosses her face you want nothing more then to hold and protect her..... my answer as always was DELAY. i made the mistake of assuming that logic would prevail in both mine and her minds. my choice after thinking was to give alicia a year and see if things changed. this made since souly on the ideal that i had no car and a long distance relationship i knew was doomed to fail with no way for me to get to her. not to mention i felt as though i shouldn't give up on alicia so easily. for a moment this idea was fine not that she was ecstatic but she understood. once again my mistake was LOGIC. and though in my opinion i had done nothing all that bad; guilt was crushing her and i was to blind with my self satisfying ideal to realize it.

heres where it all comes to a head. After a night of not talking to me the beautiful girl put all of this guilt into a note and gave it to me yesterday after noon just b4 she went to work; obviously this wasn't exactly the best letter and i took it badly guiltily for the most part i felt as though i was not only ruining my life but hers as well. as a result i went to her work and stayed for 30 min just talking to her; little did she know i was ripping my self apart inside; id come to the conclusion that ive become what i hate most, someone who hurts her. i prided my self on being there for her at least above all. one can but assume i made her feel a bit better i think but who knows i left with a smile and a heart heavier then lead. i was stricken with guilt ironically not for what id done but more so for the fact that im to blame for all of her pain.

FAST-FORWARD.... 11:03pm i get a call that she's going for a walk and wants to see me even if only for a short bit. i go and meet her and though our conversation covered a small array of topics the gist was "you need to make up your mind mike and if im a friend then im just that and only that a friend." apon returning home i threw my self into a self sustaining spiral. what to do?!?!?!?! with this in mind i began to ask my self questions to provoke a choice

"what do you want mike??" no good

"whats the logical choice??" once again no good

"which do you love more???" as you can guess this went on for a while that is untill i reached my last question; "how can you hurt her the least???" the problem in this is in order to hurt her the least i would have to give everything up; her trust, seeing her, talking to her every night, but most of all id have to give up being there for her because once i made this choice she would never let me be there the same way again. the fact is the easiest way not to hurt someone is to not be around them. so i made the hardest choice of my very short life and not only did i hurt her one last time ive destroyed who i was and most likely any chance of ever being with her at any time in the future. But worst of all this.....i've become that which i hated for so long; guys who hurt her.

its official im the lowest life form know to man and i feel it but worst of all so does she.

.......i would change my ways... no never mind. call me a sinner, call me a saint, tell me its over ill still love you the same. call me your favorite, call me the worst. tell me its over, i dont want you to hurt.

Still Away

2008-07-26T01:23:00.001-07:00

so as thought it weren't obvious I've missed a few days bloging my trip. To recape suck, suck, suck...... And now we're at sea world.
Today, sea world sucked worse then most the disney parks mostly bc it was 93f and humid as hell. But also due in part atleast to the mass of under welment. It was all so......blah. Atleast Disney had a couple kick ass rides. On a plus side I got attacked by a polar bear which ripped my new shorts LOL ;)
So probly not going home till Sunday but I'm gonna push to go home tomorrow if I can; I just want this trip to be over like NOW!!

On to something mildly unrelated; why am I such a whore??? I'm a whore in so many ways I can barely keep up as to why. Let's start with attention ...I'm huge attention whore I just love people seeing and listening to me so much so I'm on edge with my gf cause I feel like I'm not getting enough; I push and push and get no where. Next and last we have a man whore, I'm this most likely due to my first attention whoreage. I like women wanting me as a result I flirt my ass of to any and every girl who'll listening. I guess I'm not so much asking why as much as I'm saying do I have a problem.

Thanks for reading HydeTime

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I Now Sit Awake

2008-07-21T01:54:00.001-07:00

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep... Acctually scratch that it's 4am and I can't sleep. Most likly because I'm an insomniac but more likely because I can't stop thinking.
One quandry( yes I know it drive you crazy) I can't seem to get out of my head is; did I blow up today because of her or me? Basicly today I just exploded into a frenzyed arrgument with my mother in the middle of epcot as to why?? Well I'd like to say it was over somthing life or death but the reality is it was just over where we were going to eat.
With that in mind I just wonder what it was that set us off. I mean don't get me wrong it was hot but temperures don't set tempers that high. So why did I do of and why now? I've had plenty of chances that I avoided. My only guess is everything allined in it's favor. But in the end it doesn't really matter all that much does it? So why do I dwell? LOL here I go again.....

Thanks for reading Hyde times

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Disney Day 2

2008-07-20T17:23:00.001-07:00

So any ways as the title suggest it's day 2 down here at Disney and things could be better. I didn't post day one because frankly it was pretty straight forward the usual I'm up and hyper and no one can keep up.
As for today at epcot more of the same which may make you ask why blog today right?
Put simply it's accured to me maybe it isn't the park that sucks, as much as the people. I mean my gf is fun the rest of them are just ruining it for me. Not to mention like the only part of epcot I was hyped about we're skiping. And ironicly it's the food.
Is it odd that I'm a stuborn ass just for the pricuple of things. Especally when it's my mother.

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Made It

2008-07-18T13:25:00.001-07:00

Well we just made it to Disney sort of more like a hotel outside Disney cause we can't check in till tomorrow; and though tempers started out on high they've began evening and though Alicia gives me a little hope this week might be kinda fun. The thunder storm weather report makes me a little bumbed. Not to mention missing my closes friend makes me want to be home that much more.

That's all for now ill keep you posted probly daily through the week thanks to the iPhone.

Thanks for reading Hyde times

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First time.... sort of

2008-07-17T01:03:00.000-07:00

Hello; this is my first time Blogging in like 2 years. put simply a lot of things in my life balanced out, and because my blog was just a tool to let out my "Hyde Side;" i really had very little use for it once things came under control. With that said my life has start to rip apart again into the all too familiar "Jekyll" and "Hyde" parts; and after reading a friends blog and my old post i just felt like it was time to start again. With that said shall we begin.....

As i said my life is torn not for what i "should" and "do" do; but more so in the way i feel about more or less everything. When most people admit to "Jekyll and Hyde" syndrome its usually based on one particular problem, one issue; I on the other hand have a tendency to rip my life in twain. Separating the Morally Easy(Jekyll) from the Morally Ambiguous(Hyde). in my very short 20 year I've done it twice and i now stand on the edge of what looks like number 3. though this was morally frustrating in the past never has it been quite this bad; because the last two times i had no expectation for the out come. However twice it has gone the same way i fight Hyde in the face of moral ambiguity; untill eventually what he wants becomes morally easy and i submit. Now that i can finally look at the situation and for see that out come, well what would you do???

The real difficulty in all this lay in a question that most are asked daily "what do you want?" the issue with this quandary is scale. When making dinner plans and someone asks "what do you want?" little if any pressure is applied. However when that same question is applied to college and as to what to do with your life; all the sudden four simple words become the key to ones future. Beyond that it would seem such a simple question for forever require a simple answer and yet nothing could be farther from the truth.

i say all this to alleviate my head for with many people its difficult to say out loud what's inside for fear they won't understand; i've found women especially are so quick to draw conclusion that rarely do they take time to hear what you say and attempt to understand. Of course i mean no offense but judgement is in human nature and to those who say "i dont judge people;" i say if you didn't you would never turn a guy down for a date, that is assuming you're female lol.

from the looks of the post thats enough "Hyde Time" for one day plus i have to pack for Florida if i can i'll keep you posted; i'm not exactly excited.

Thanks for reading Hyde Time